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Let me just start this off by stating that my friend, lets call him Steve, is a borderline alcoholic. Last Thursday, he got written up by two Resident Assistants (RAs) for arguing with them and such while they were trying to document what was a somewhat clear case of possession of alcohol by minors (there were several visible beer cans in the room he was in). So he and two of my friends got written up, while two of us (including myself) got off because we were studying elsewhere at the time.

Anyways, on Monday we meet with the director of the building, Austin, who tells Steve that him and Thomas must write a letter to the RAs, apologizing for their actions. He also read the report they wrote, which was comedic gold, but a copy could not be obtained for this publishing. It basically consisted of the RAs stating how Thomas was physically and verbally threatening the RAs, which was mostly true, but not to the extent that it was documented, and then Steve joined in, quieting down when the RAs threatened to call the police (which was not true, he actually stated that the police would be more reasonable than they were being).

So on Monday night, Steve gets drunk again, and decides that it is the perfect time to write his apology letter. The letter is as follows:

Dear RA’s,

I’m heartfuly sorry for my actions on Thursday. I realize now that what I have done is wrong because you are just doing your job. I realize your job is stressful and painful to deal with college students your same age especially if they backtalk you. I was very inconsedirate of your time and your job since you are trying to keep us alal safe. I love the safety of this campus. I thinki your job is more imporatneat than veingn an RA. Austin is really homosexual.

Thomas was the root of all evil. He keeps wanting to finght everyone, and really I have no idea what he is saying. I was just backtalking because the fact that I have never been written u- p before so I didn’t understand the procedures that followed. I thought it was ridiculous that they said I should be written up since I wasn’t even drinking and iwas about to go to my bed. I had an early class in the morning which made me feel like sleep was more imporatnat than this campus’ welfare.

I feel safe but whatever floats your boat works for me I mean if I wanted to kill people I would too. Alcohole kills millions a year right? WRONG that is not proven factual or not factually. Alcohol increases less taxes than doess cigarette consumption but yes lets allow people to smoke thos e fuckers have no idea what they are talking about since all they like is homosexual butt sexu or lesbian scissoring.

I felt I would have gotten off the hook if I spoke to BC PD instead of you guys since BC PD would have understood that I wasn’t drinking and I was only being disrespectful because of the circumstances. The circumstances were ridiculous since I mean who cares if they write up other students in the community oh what you guys do and that is the reason I hate this shit. I know I should have refused to even deal with you until BC PD could have came since they are men and realize what is going on and they can’t put me in jail or someshit like that just like you guys the only difference s they are men you are women and they understand drinking is a part of like and all men engage in the activity ot takae advantage of females haha just messing with your guys who would mess with you guys. I mean you guys were the biggest dikes I’ve ever met and deserve to burn at the stakes. Thomas is actually sorry since he is a huge pussy, and I on the other hand think that this whole assignment is a huge pile of horse shit. I would rather spend a week at a jewsish nun convent. I don’t even understand how this is a valid assignment since this is huge fucking pile of shit.

I don’t see how drinking can be so bad when my parents think that it is okay to drink as long as I don’t drive. Oh wait?

Maybe I was driving? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I’m in college and I don’t have a fucking car jackass. But wait I do have public transportation oh yeah that’s the same as driving. NO wait it isn’t since I don’t physically drive the bus you huge fucking homo! I don’t even have a drivers license in MASS you fucking MASSHOLE. Holy shit why did you even get this job is it because you two are the biggest flaming dikes in the whole world or only at BC. This is fucking ridiculous I think that BC is going downhill unless you just want a bunch of smart people that have no lives and will amount to nothing in the future since they can’t even talk to people. The only thing they can talk to is their textbooks. I mean wow big fucking complimemnt I know I said it. Hhaha jackass got you again. Why are you even at BC because it’s the best fucking school you guys got into? Yeah that’s probably right you two wanted to get into Harvard but you couldn’t that’s why you hate alcohol go back to your books and leave me the fuck alone you two desperate whores that will end up single and unmarried throughout your lives.

He then saved this in a file titled "Blahfhlajgljag.doc" and went to bed.